Yesterday was the day that Caucasian Americans get drunk to honor an event they know nothing about (the victory of Mexican forces over French occupiers.)

They also wander into diners and say interesting things…


Man 1: “I was looking at a house I wanted to buy.”

Man 2: “Did you look in the windows?”

Man 1: “No.  People live there”


“…that bird has no feathers…  I would suck him up in a vacuum.”


and the inexplicable lead into a story that had nothing to do with any of the things in this quote:

“…bear with me on this one.  There I am, naked in the garage and looking for a stapler…”